Fear

Dear people,

Yesterday I went to my cousin’s wedding and she married a guy she’s known for four years. It’s so sweet that she’s marrying the guy who calls her his best friend and she’s so incredibly lucky. This is also the first time I’ve seen a husband and wife take selfies on their wedding and I’m sure it won’t be the last. The wedding was amazing and beautiful and I pray their love lasts till the end of time.

Now you’re wondering why I titled this as ‘fear’ when I’m talking about love and happiness. This is the part where I can moan about my life without any guilt. Of course I’m incredibly happy for the many friends and relatives I know who are married, but at the same time weddings make me so sad. I want to marry my best friend!!!

The entire day yesterday and the whole of last night all I could think about was imagining him and I getting married! Myself in a beautiful dress and him looking handsome as he always does, it’s scary how vividly I can imagine it, and it brings me happiness and sadness in equal measure.

I was worried I was going to be so emotional last night and was going to sob and cry to him about how much I wanted to marry him (like a lame person), but thankfully I controlled myself and that explains why I’m writing on here.

My best friend is fixed to marry someone else; they’re basically engaged. I’m the idiot sat here madly in love with this guy KNOWING he’s going to marry another woman and it hurts. I’ve fantasized a billion times about marrying this guy and when I imagine another woman in the bride’s dress instead of me it’s as though my insides burst into a sea of tears and crash violently against my heart like waves crashing onto rocks.

My biggest fear is one day he’s going to get married and leave me, in this case though, it’s inevitable; it’s a fear that’s going to come true and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m scared the hollow feeling I have without him is going to be a permanent ache. I can’t and don’t want to imagine life without him. And I definitely can’t imagine life with another guy. I’m scared I’m going to marry someone and ruin their life because I’m never going to love them the way I love him. I’m scared the person I end up marrying will find out that I’ve loved someone else and I won’t be able to pretend that I love them.

I wish I could run away with him. I cant help but hope that everything turns around and I do get to marry him. But I know for that to happen other people may get hurt and I don’t want that.

If you’ve managed to read this far through my depressing writing then I applaud you. I hope you never feel as sad as I do.

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Update: 8 years

It’s been a year since posting about the guy I was talking about previously.

A reason may be that we are back in contact again and my life is way better and I’m a lot happier. Crazy as it seems I write more when I’m upset or angry or feeling anything negative. Which is unfortunate for you readers lol.

This is how terrible my writing is when I’m happy:

So me and the guy somehow survived without one another for approximately a month. Oh my word, it was the longest most emptiest month of my entire life! I have never felt so much pain, it hurt so much the pain was physical, I don’t even want to relive the memories of the nights spent crying endlessly, wishing sleep would take over my body, and once it did so the endless demonic nightmares and continuous torture. Uff, I don’t even want to go there. I never ever thought it would be that bad. Never. And I would never wish heartbreak upon anybody. I doubt anyone has felt that kind of pain. I’m sure people break up all the time and I haven’t heard anyone mention this kind of pain?! I’ve seen movies where girls lay around in their pjs and sob and eat icecream, but never did I imagine the unbearable pain that I experienced. I hope I never ever go through that again in my life.

I tried to move on and distract myself by focusing on getting a job, but no matter what, nothing could fill the hollowness that throbbed almost physically throughout my body every second of the day I wasn’t making an active effort not to think about him. Out of desperation I sent him a facebook message, thinking it would be to no avail. I then made the decision that I would try everything in my power to get him back and if all of my efforts failed I would give in and accept my fate, at least knowing I tried my best. I planned to go to his office the next day, but surprisingly, out of nowhere I received a reply to the facebook message. The second I saw the reply it instantly eased the darkness in my life and flooded my heart with relief. Ah, this all sounds insane.

Anyway, we warily continued talking to one another. And at the moment we still do talk to each other, not knowing at all what will happen in the future. Well I have no idea but he might do. I dread to think of living my life without him, he is my world (gosh I sound so lame – I’m actually not that lame in reality, but of course anonymity on the internet makes me reveal my innermost thoughts). I know I would hate a life without him, and at the moment I don’t think about. All I am is thankful for every day that I get to spend with him. He makes me smile and is my everything. I’m so lucky I have him and I thank God for giving me all this happiness. If the time comes for me to deal with him not being there, I’ll deal with it, but I’m grateful for all I have at the moment and everything I’ve been given. Even if we have to part ways at some point, I’m eternally thankful that I was lucky enough to experience such happiness and love in my life.

I sound like such a loopy spaghetti-brain lol. But I pray that whoever’s reading this will too one day have love in their lives the way I do.

Negativity

It irks me, it burns me. It fuels the flames that lick my insides

I feel rage rising within me like a demon uncurling from my toes, filling the shell of my body.

It’s funny how my reaction to negativity is a negative response. I know I should oppose it with positivity and externally, my response is calm, polite and logical. Inside however, there is a stormy sea of black tar slapping against the inside of my skin, begging to spill out of me and coat the person, choking their negative flow.

I need to learn how to deal with this. Maybe I should avoid this person, although it is difficult living in the same house as them. It means every now and then I accidentally hear something that infuriates my soul. I need to work on a mechanism that will help calm me down and work on a positive solution.

I pray for strength and that I never give in to it.

7 years

Dear Universe,

The feelings that are taking over my mind and body are just too overwhelming. I have a random urge to write about them because for some reason my brain is telling me it will help my feelings dissipate. Forgive me for being selfish, but sharing my pain with you makes it easier for me to breathe.

So here goes… Once upon a time, there was a guy. Yes, it’s going to be one of THOSE stories, I can see you rolling your eyes already. Anyway, I don’t think I have the patience to write out the entire story because it will be too long, I have a tendency of going off topic, plus it won’t be as interesting for you as it was for me.

Once upon a time, 7 years ago, destiny decided to let 2 people meet, and one of the most magical things about the start of our relationship is that to this day we still don’t know how we met. We firstly ever spoke to one another on msn, but to this day neither of us know how we had each others’ email addresses. Crazy as it sounds, I believe God sent him to me. We would stay up, speaking late into the night about random things like dwarves, cucumbers, religion. He’d tell me funny stories about what happened at his workplace, and how the word ‘cakes’ was used as an adjective to describe something you couldn’t possibly describe. Sometimes his calls only consisted of music he played from his phone, really good music mind you, except he’d never let an entire song play from beginning to end. And at times we’d just fall asleep on the phone.  

Time went by, shit happened, and he stayed by me throughout everything I did and went through. He became my best friend.

I did want him to marry me, but he said it just wouldn’t work, he didn’t ever have a proper reason to say why it wouldn’t work, he either talked me out of it, or avoided the question. After 7 years of knowing him, we decided that we needed to end our friendship. The word friendship doesn’t feel strong enough to describe the bond that we shared; we loved one another, the all-encompassing kind of love that makes you feel like you’re wearing a huge warm blanket around your shoulders that’ll protect you from whatever life throws at you.

Let me tell you more about this guy. This guy is the strongest person I know, mentally, emotionally, physically. He helped me through the most difficult of times, and trust me there were some dark times. He has the softest heart, strongest mind and the most beautiful soul. I adore him. Oh, this is going to make you roll your eyes and shake your head in disbelief, but believe it or not, he was also the most handsome man I’ve laid eyes on. I guess love really does make you blind because I must have been blind to any faults he had.

Last Tuesday night, on the 15th of April, he told me via text that ages ago he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I met him on Wednesday night and we talked about it, all the questions that had previously frustrated me were answered, and it was heart breaking. Cutting a long story long, we are currently not in contact.

I had to write that story briefly so when I now write about my feelings there is some context to go by. The story is a lot more detailed, and bear in mind that today I’m talking about the beauty because today this is how I want to view it. I feel that I am all strapped in for a rollercoaster of emotions the next couple of months, so maybe another day I’ll write about another aspect. 🙂

Rantings of an asian girl

Dear Universe,

Unfortunately, the first blog I’m posting is a rant. Please don’t read anymore if you wish to save your brain from negativity.

In order to understand what I’m going to tell you I think it’s important for you to know that I am a British Pakistani Muslim girl. I was in a fantastic mood today, I felt awesome, I was in love with myself, I ate fruit, cleaned, even cooked chooza palak (chicken and spinach curry) without it feeling torturous! I’m surprised I’m warming up to the idea of ‘shortcut cooking’. Anyway, everything was peachy dandy.

I planned to watch a movie at the cinema with one of my friends, and I had told my mum I was going to go, which she was ok with. She did mention that I should get a lift from my brothers to where I was going which I did take into consideration. I asked my brother if he could give me a lift into town, where I was to meet my friend who was to finish work, and we would then make our way to the cinema together. My 3 brothers were all in the car with me on the way down to town, and my eldest bro (sorry, excuse me as I have to roll my eyes and snarl every time I even think about his existence), wanted to pick my friend up and drop us both off to the cinema. He does not trust me, he is being the ‘caring protective elder brother’ and wants to know where I am every step of the way. I refused his offer and his response was that maybe I wasn’t going to the cinema.

Oh, by the way, this is where what I mentioned above is important, muslim girls aren’t meant to date boys, or go out to places like clubs, or places where there are alcohol. Asian girls aren’t meant to go to places like shisha bars (I think). Is there some kind of rule book that says where asians girls can and can’t go?! No there isn’t. I know this because I’ve googled it a thousand times, I’ve even googled ‘how to be a good asian daughter’; there is no help out there! I will NOT go to my parents or grandparents or anyone I know and ask them ‘what do you think makes a good asian girl?’ because I know whoever it is will tell me what they want of me and use my ignorance to their advantage without any reasonable logic. So who makes the rules? Also, brothers are to take responsibility of their sisters and make sure that they are not going around dating boys, going to bad places etc etc.

So yes, this explains the thousands of questions my brothers ask me. My middle brother is YOUNGER than me and he demands to know where I’m going and who I’m going with as though I belong to him. All of this frustrates me. Anyway, getting back to my story, my brothers thinks I’m not going to the cinema, and think I’m going to god knows which other place to do something bad. Why. on. earth. do they think I am going to do something bad?! Why?! My brother said he wanted to pick me and my friend up from the cinema once we’re done, and I said no thanks, he asked ‘is it because you’re not going to the cinema?’ In my anger I casually responded with ‘maybe’, and left the car.

I do not know which world he lives in, why on earth would I say I’m going to the cinema, and not go to the damn cinema. He even wanted to know which movie I was watching and I have no doubt in my mind that he checked the movie times to see if that movie was playing at the time I said it would be. (He has done this before). Ok ok, I know and understand that people lie, that sometimes people say they’re doing one thing when in fact they’re doing another. I know it’s very much possible that I could be lying and just wanted to get up to something else for 3 hours. But why do my brothers not know me well enough to trust that I have a genuine interest in action movies and there’s nothing else that would interest me more than a good movie. This is me being honest right now, I have no reason to lie because nobody knows who is writing this post. Trust me when I say No I do not smoke cigarettes. No I do not smoke shisha. No I do not do drugs. No I do not drink alcohol. No I do not have a boyfriend. No I do not have an interest in going clubbing.  To be honest, that’s all the bad things I can think of. Why do my brothers think I want to do any of the above things?! They’re my blood relations for god’s sake. They live with me. They need to know that I am not that kind of person.

I’ve been told they’re protecting me and are doing this for my safety and security. Please. I beg of you, please please convince me this is a reasonable way of protecting me. Please, I’m dying to put my mind at peace with this matter. Why is it so dam difficult for me to not just acknowledge these acts of love but to be grateful for them? I really really want to welcome this behavior but it frustrates me instead. In all fairness I do believe that my brothers love me and want to protect me, I know that they wish me no harm and only the best….(here comes the ‘but’)… tell me really… how much is my life at risk going to the cinema? I know this may be me being foolish…. and maybe this is me going down a dark path and being really ungrateful… but… how much protection do I possibly need? If my brothers hadn’t dropped me off, I would have got a taxi there, and a lift from my mate’s aunty back. What are the chances of the taxi driver killing, raping or mugging me in that time, or there being a random shooting in the cinema, or my friend’s aunty being a psychopath or getting into a car accident? Wow, I’ve really gone down a dark path now haven’t I? But honestly… not to tempt fate or anything, Alhamdulillah – multiplied by a billion (All praises and thanks to God), nothing has happened to me like that and I’ve taken taxis all the time. And also, the crime rate in this city is fine, and there’s lots of help everywhere, there’s always the police etc.

Or do they mean protecting me in another way, so by escorting me it reduces my chances of meeting a stranger, falling in love, and then proceeding to somehow ending up having his illegitimate baby? I do believe I’m more intelligent than to let that happen. My brothers either don’t trust me or think I’m ridiculously weak and dumb, either way, both are insulting.

Anyway, this post isn’t intended for actual readers, it’s just so I get my feelings off my chest. Let me continue…

Halfway through the movie, I get a text asking when I need picking up even though I refused the offer earlier. You know what, I’m just going to type up the text conversation between me and my brother for you to read:

*he called me* I didn’t pick up because I was in the middle of the movie and phone was on silent

Me: *Texting* sup?

Him: how lng u gna be..

Me: Not soon. I won’t need a lift back

Him: Aprox

Me: 3 hours I told you

Him: I told u I will pick u up.. no more of this I dnt need a lift business. If you want to go down the route of getting a lift home I want to see ur friends who r dropping u home.. make sure that u let me see them when u come home… is that clear? Otherwise we will be having a huge problem… u choose what route you want

Me: No I’m with my friend. You don’t ever let me with your friends so you’re not giving me a lift when I’m with mine. If you’re so frickin bothered amee (mum) will pick me up. Otherwise I’m making my own dam way back. If amee can’t pick me up abu (Dad) will. Goodbye

Him: Ok if ur geting a lift.. when u get dropped off amee needs to see which friends drop u off.

By the way, the text in which I said no is the first text in which I’ve ever shown my anger to my brother. This whole business is really badly starting to grind at me. Maybe this isn’t even a huge deal and I’m making it seem like a huge deal? All I know is that he is pissing me off and I’m a really angry person. Talking to him literally makes my blood boil, my brain hurts so much right now because I think the blood in my head is boiling and is cooking my brain. Worst thing is I can’t do anything about my anger, if I get mad and shout at him which I have never done, he will be angrier and will shout back at me louder, and he will make it hurt. I never argue or get angry or show my anger at the person I’m angry at, I’m too much of a chicken to be mad at someone and to shout at them. This is why I’m trying to write this post.

I’m so angry I can feel anger in my fingertips, I almost feel violent, I wish I could hit him, but isn’t that being a coward? Don’t cowards resort to violence. I can never argue and win even if I’m in the right, I’m much to scared to argue. If I ever try to express my emotions or anger in an argument I lose control and just cry without voicing my opinions. I was sat in the cinema, so angry I had tears in my eyes and my throat felt choked.

I’m angry because my brothers can get ‘lifts’ home and never have to show or tell my parents who dropped them off. I’m angry because they don’t have to tell my parents where they are going. Angry because there are 3 of them and when they go somewhere collectively the fact that they are with each other means they are witnesses for each other and are meant to look out for each other and they don’t need anyone to check up on them, I have no sisters and have to go out with friends which immediately means I’m up to no good because I don’t have a family member with me. My ******* brothers all do bad things collectively but because they’re together they can account for one another and can get away with it.

I’m angry because my brothers all smoke and have all done drugs and they are all aware of each other doing so but they have never grassed on one another to my parents. I’m angry because I’ve never done anything like that but they tell my parents anything they know about me, like if I’m going out with my friends but to another city, they get involved and insist on taking me and meeting my friends. I’m angry that they interfere so much in my life and want to know where I am, who I’m with, yet they are allowed to stay out all night and don’t have to say where they were or who they were with. I’m angry at the hypocrisy, angry that my brothers tell my mum to see who my friends are, yet they never tell my dad who they are friends with.

I’m angry that my brother has fu***d my best friend behind my back, and because he has done so many bad things in his life, that he suspects that I’m doing bad, doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m lying all that time. I’m angry that my brother has a girlfriend whilst hes busy trying to make sure I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m angry that he thinks he has the right to interfere in my life. I do not respect my brother and do not respect anything he says to me.

I am sick to death of this shit.